Bro Body Shaming and the Down Dressing Dudes
Earlier this summer, at a fund-raising event at his Mar-A-Lago complex in Florida, Donald Trump fat-shamed Montana’s Democratic Senator Jon Tester., Trump’s direct words were “His name is Jon Tester, and I don’t speak badly about somebody’s physical disability. But he’s got the biggest stomach I have ever seen. I said, I swear that’s the biggest stomach. I have never seen a stomach like that.” Trump added “Have you ever seen this guy? He doesn’t look like a fat guy, except that stomach is out…He looks pregnant to me.” This is particularly ironic coming from Trump, who is certainly not know for his Adonisian physique. Nonetheless, this is not unexpected of Trump. Trump consistently mocks people’s physicality, their talents or their strengths. Especially, he does this when the object of his derision is seen as some form of a threat or he feels that talking someone else down in the presence of others, somehow makes him appear stronger or more dominant. This is what bullies do. This is what assholes do.
I’m going to discuss the concept of Bro Body Shaming and the character-type of the Down Dressing Dude and how that relates to me.
Late November, I posted this photo on Instagram and talked about how I’ve put on some pounds (mostly in my mid-section) in the Covid era and how subsequently I’ve noticed more people (men) have referred to me as “big guy” more than they did before.
NOVEMBER 3RD, 2023
You can read the full post here - https://www.instagram.com/p/CzMYrITOmVX/ My post was inspired by a Substack article by Derek Beres (of the fantastic podcast Conspirituality) on Fat-Shaming in the Ozempic Era. Follow Derek and Conspirituality. Excellent work!
On my Instagram post, I talked about how odd it is when men do this and how it’s a passive-aggressive attempt to dress down a perceived competitor in front of others. I’ve observed that this phenomenon often comes from what might be considered “frenemies” to some. These can be acquaintances with whom I’m generally cordial but where there’s a lack of camaraderie. These are men I know, that intuitively, I sense may not have a lot of respect for me. These are men that appear to want to diminish me in the presence of others, whether they realize it or not. I try not to see anyone in my life as an enemy. So, “Frenemy” is not a term I will use. This is more nuanced. Assuredly though, there are people in our lives, whose actions and words will show you what they think of you. And sometimes, it’s not positive. Within barely 24 hours of one another, this summer, I had two passing experiences, with two very different Bro Body Shaming, Down Dressing Dudes who come from very different cultural circles of my life. Two instances of this from two very different men.
I was at Bonnaroo Music Festival on Friday, June 14th volunteering with David’s Den in the Planet Roo philanthropy area. David’s Den is a Nashville-based organization that provides resources to assist creatives and musicians who are struggling with mental health struggles, substance co-dependency and suicidal ideation. Our crew was energized and having an inspired time connecting with visitors to our tent. By early afternoon, “The Farm” (as Bonnaroo is often called) was already sweltering. Through the dusty haze, across the sun-burnt lawn I spied my old neighbor and fellow musician/songwriter friend “Juan” walking with his family. I hustled out of the tent to go over and say hello.
I walk up on them and say “Hi Juan!” He turns to me, pauses and then says “Oh. Hey Josh. Sorry. I thought you were Santa.” Yep. He said that to me, in almost 100-degree heat in the middle of a Tennessee Summer. Now, I understand Juan hasn’t seen me in a couple of years. My beard has gone whiter over the past year or so and my Covid Belly is there, but still. After he says this, I’m just a little stunned. It takes me a moment, but then I respond “Well. We’re getting older. The grays come with it.” He adds “Tell me about it.” He then turns to a younger couple that’s with him and his family. He says something to the effect of “This is Josh. He’s my old neighbor. We would sometimes be the Dads who would jam and hang on porches in the neighborhood.” While he’s not wrong, we did those things, Juan did not add that I’m also a professional musician, even though he knows I’ve released 4 albums over the past decade and have toured the Southeast region with my band Natchez Tracers. He didn’t add anything like that. I guess he introduced me as he saw me. This was right after the first Santa greeting. I politely said hello to Juan’s friends and then I quickly pivoted to congratulate Juan’s daughter for graduating college a year early with honors. Juan’s daughter was the same class and was a classmate of my oldest child. His wife gave me a hug and then they were all off to enjoy the festival.
Juan played in a couple of noteworthy, 90’s indie-rock bands. He spent his college years and early twenties doing the recording/touring band thing to moderate critical and commercial success nationally. Juan is around seven years my senior. By the time I got back to Nashville from college, in the mid/late 90’s, Juan had already pivoted to go get a graduate level degree and had pretty much retired from performing, settling into raising a family as a priority. I personally only had about two years once I got out of college where I first pursued playing music professionally before pivoting for the exact same reasons. Juan has gone on to do some noteworthy things on the business side of the entertainment industry, helping in the launch of some of today’s more prominent Americana acts. My professional pursuits as a “family man” were not music industry related. Some years back, after returning to playing music (part-time) professionally, I did ask Juan for some thoughts about the music I was making and ways I could possibly make it more viable, or even if he might be able to help. Juan essentially said that I should just treat it as a hobby and find the joy in that. I don’t know if that was due to his taste(making) sensibilities, the quality of my work or just because of the hard realities of succeeding in the music business as an older artist.
Juan is a bit taller than me and has a naturally thinner build. To his defense, he certainly works out more than me and more aggressively as well. But I also exercise pretty much daily. I’m a “Big Guy” and I can take it, but the Bro Body Shaming and Down Dressing Dude stuff stings, nonetheless.
The next day, I had to hustle back to Nashville, or Franklin more specifically, to play the Natchez Tracers last show. I was surprisingly fresh, upbeat and feeling emotionally grounded enough, considering the bittersweet event about to come. I show up at Kimbro’s Pickin’ Parlor (our band’s proverbial home) early at around 5pm or so to start loading in my gear. I go into the main, central bar area and see two of my friends working. We smile and offer friendly salutations. Sitting at the counter in the sparsely populated bar, was somebody I recognized, albeit somebody I hadn’t seen in some years. “Robbie” was drinking a beer waiting for to-go food for his family.
I say, “Hello Robbie.” Robbie turns to me and pauses for a moment. And then says. “Josh. Oh. I didn’t recognize you. You know. ‘cause you’re pregnant and all.” My two bartender friends, both women, just kind of look at me and each other stunned. My demeanor instantly changed. Coming off the prior day’s Santa incident, I suppose I was… “triggered.” I looked at Robbie and said “That’s a dickhead thing to say. You know some of that is genetics. Or maybe it’s a condition. For real.” I stood there for a moment looking at him and then turned around to go use the restroom.
Robbie is an old fraternity brother of mine from college. He’s got at least three or four years on me. We weren’t close back then, but we for sure knew each other. I hung out with his younger, but a bit older-than-me sister for a spell during my second year. We were all from the general Nashville-area. And even now, all still live in the Nashville-area. I’m pretty sure I had seen Robbie before at Kimbro’s when I used to live in Franklin and would frequent it more often. Robbie is perhaps a smidge shorter than me and has more of a wiry build. In the restroom, I was thinking “wow, helluva way to say hello to an old college fraternity brother you hadn’t seen in a while.”
When I was returning from the restroom, Robbie stopped me in the foyer outside the central bar area. He says “I’m sorry if that OFFENDED you. I’m going to try to stick around or come back for your show tonight.” I responded “Okay. Cool man. I’m not offended, I don’t get offended, but it was just an asshole thing to say. I think ___ and ___ (two other old fraternity brothers of ours) might come so I hope you do. “
Robbie did stick around for at least the first set of the show. Before the second set He came up to me and said something to the effect of “That was really good. Y’all are really good. I mean really.” in a somewhat surprised tone. I suppose he did this to make up for what happened earlier. I don’t know if it was sincere or not, or if he really felt bad about earlier. All I was mostly thinking about, just as I did with Juan the day before, is that your words SHOW ME what you think about me. Remember, I’m a “Big Guy” and I can take it, but the Bro Body Shaming and Down Dressing Dude stuff stings, nonetheless.
Both Juan and Robbie come from different parts of my life. Juan is a musician (and businessman too) like me and is on the liberal side politically. Robbie works in sales as I have professionally for most of my career and I’m likely correct to assume he’s probably politically conservative. Bro Body Shaming and Down Dressing Dude behavior can come from any man, from any background or cultural sphere. It’s a bad look. It’s bad when Donald Trump does it. It’s bad when people you know do it to you.
My mother drank herself to death at the very age I am now. Also, she was pretty much gargantuan at the time of her passing. I am acutely aware. While my yearly physicals and bloodwork come back solid, I have been and will continue to exercise more, eat more healthily (less calorically) and curtail my penchant for whiskey and cold beer. I can rid my gray beard simply by shaving it off. I will continue to lose this Covid Belly. That can and will change. The question then is, will the Bro Body Shaming, Down Dressing Dudes change, or will they continue to be a-holes?
